Be careful whatcha wish for

2/8
I have a cubicle now. Today I fiddled with my Outlook folders, I put all my new office supplies away, I got to know some co-workers a little more. I got turned down by my supervisor when I asked her if I could go home a little early on a Friday for my birthday, so I could go outta town with my sis. ugh!

I am gainfully employed, and making money, securing my spot on the proverbial corporate ladder, and putting my bid in there for the race to get to a middle management position (if I so wish.)

But I miss my son desperately every hr and every minute. As much as I was complaining about cabin fever and craving adult conversation, now I miss his smell.

2/14
This will be my 3rd week of work, tomorrow is Monday - and I'm not looking forward to sitting my cubicle.  I have already started glancing at other jobs, and this wk will start sending out resumes again.
I'm an Aquarian (my b-day is on Tuesday!), and I am fickle at times.  Not a good trait of mine.  My husband tells me I should try to focus more. lol

Last week I was looking at optometry school - cursing my inability to focus on  career or degree in my 20's.  I could have been an eye doctor by now if I just applied myself in my 20's. doh!

Woulda coulda shoulda.......... story of my life.

I still miss Calvin throughout the day, while I am at work. I have a picture of him posted near my computer screen while I am making calls. When I find myself feeling dejected and absolutely unmotivated to dial another number, I glance at his picture and just swallow my pride and feel fiercely protective, and motherly - and I tell myself that I am doing this for him, and that I need to do better for him.  I feel fire in my belly when I do this.  I am a Lioness at that moment.

Don't get me wrong. There are some truly amazing, talented, dynamic personalities working there. They have energy and passion for their role......I just cannot feel that about my job, and what I am asked to do. Somehow, I feel a deep aversion to calling people at home, trying to sell them an education. There is a fine line, in trying to sell someone on making such a big life decision like this.  I feel just a little slimey in doing it.  It's all the reverse psychology they want me to do.......I just don't operate that way. It feels manipulative.  And that is so not my m.o.

During these past 2 wks, Calvin has grown so very attached to my parents, clinging to their shirts when I try to take him. :(  He still knows his mommy of course, but the bond with them has grown stronger, so fast.  I feel grateful - there is no one I trust more to watch my son.

I found my iFlip camera finally today. It's been missing for months! I looked at the snippets of video of Calvin from months earlier, and it was heart wrenching to see his development, the change in his facial structure, how his personality started to emerge.  This reminds me that I need to take more video snippets, esp. since he is so much more active now.  He is 10 months, as of yesterday the 13th. I love u, my baby boy.