I often feel, that I am never satisfied. When I was a stay-at-home mom w/ Calvin for 9 months, you would think that I would be completely content, being able to lounge at home, care for my little one, and dote on him all hours of the day. Instead, I was restless, and when he was 8 months old, I was already applying for part-time, then full-time work, lamenting the fact that I was getting no call-backs from employers.
I found employment in January of 2010, I put Calvin in daycare part-time. I was bringing home a paycheck, I was feeling productive. Was I satisfied? No. I was harboring guilt that my little one was being cared for by someone else, that I wasn't there to comfort him, but was instead doing mindless, dull work in a grey canvass-covered cubicle 8 hours a day.
Finally, I came to terms with Calvin's time at daycare, and found that he enjoyed his playtime there, that he enjoyed socializing. My husband came home from deployment, he got out of the Army. We would finally be a family, we would have a home of our own. We live in a cute rental home now, which oddly enough I am satisfied with - dream home it is not, but as I'm home really a few short hours during the week, then only on the weekend, I spend my time cleaning up, and caring for my 2 men, less time about making things pretty. Tom is attending school, but is still looking for work - we worry about money, we worry about his ability to find meaningful work, but hope for the best. I got transferred out of my department, to work on campus recruiting for graduate students - but I find my work slow, and dull. I am yearning for purposeful work, that will justify my time away from my son - I feel that this search will be a long one.
Now I am back at square one, wishing I was staying at home. I am waiving my white flag, and surrendering to the notion that I want to be a caregiver, and want my husband to be the provider. Sometimes I am tired............
...of being the strength at home
.....but of being the equal bread winner outside
.....of being the comforting mother figure
.....but being alluring and sexy for my mate
......of being the ambitious go-getter at work
.......but battling the constant desire to be at home on time.
I will never know how to reconcile all these demands on my being.
I found employment in January of 2010, I put Calvin in daycare part-time. I was bringing home a paycheck, I was feeling productive. Was I satisfied? No. I was harboring guilt that my little one was being cared for by someone else, that I wasn't there to comfort him, but was instead doing mindless, dull work in a grey canvass-covered cubicle 8 hours a day.
Finally, I came to terms with Calvin's time at daycare, and found that he enjoyed his playtime there, that he enjoyed socializing. My husband came home from deployment, he got out of the Army. We would finally be a family, we would have a home of our own. We live in a cute rental home now, which oddly enough I am satisfied with - dream home it is not, but as I'm home really a few short hours during the week, then only on the weekend, I spend my time cleaning up, and caring for my 2 men, less time about making things pretty. Tom is attending school, but is still looking for work - we worry about money, we worry about his ability to find meaningful work, but hope for the best. I got transferred out of my department, to work on campus recruiting for graduate students - but I find my work slow, and dull. I am yearning for purposeful work, that will justify my time away from my son - I feel that this search will be a long one.
Now I am back at square one, wishing I was staying at home. I am waiving my white flag, and surrendering to the notion that I want to be a caregiver, and want my husband to be the provider. Sometimes I am tired............
...of being the strength at home
.....but of being the equal bread winner outside
.....of being the comforting mother figure
.....but being alluring and sexy for my mate
......of being the ambitious go-getter at work
.......but battling the constant desire to be at home on time.
I will never know how to reconcile all these demands on my being.
2 comments:
Hey sweetie. I k now this must be difficult especially if you are not satisfied with work I have definitely been there. All I can say is that things will happen the way they are meant to. If you are really meant to be at home then that opportunity will come knocking and if you are meant to find that dream job then it will happen! if only we could do both at the same time right?
Hey mama, I know it's hard now, but just be strong and know that you're time will come. We all wish we could do what we love and still be that provider for our little ones. Just rest assured that he is being cared for and not a lot of people can afford that. The baby being in a social setting will benefit him in the long run. Hubby will find work. It's tough out there in the market right now but just be supportive of each other and you'll both see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your head up and remember to pick your battles wisely. It takes a lot of energy to be down and out. It takes a lot less energy to happy with what you have now. You're strong and I know you'll pull thru.
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